Should be sleeping, not blogging, but it just ain't happening. I'm too simultaneously depressed and exhilarated to catch any Z's. Exhilarated because I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel with this project that's been consuming most of my waking hours for who-knows-how-long. My deadline is two weeks away and I actually think I'm gonna make it. Today was huge - I cranked out a couple thousand words and crossed that invisible psychological barrier between "impossible" and "a big pain in the ass, but do-able." On the other hand, depressed over the personal stuff I can never go into detail about here. Still don't see the light at the end of this particular tunnel. Well - that's not entirely true; sometimes I do, sometimes not so much. Tonight is a big not-so-much. As much as I tried to assure myself that it's nothing but a devious plot concocted by Hallmark in collusion with FTD and various teddy bear manufacturers, Valentine's Day was rough. And what with this damn Internet, it's all too easy to figure out things ya don't really need to know, especially if you're a clever boy like me. But goddammit, I know I deserve better than this. I dunno what exactly - an apology? An explanation? Some sort of remorse or sympathy or even just an ounce of human feeling? Fuggedaboutit. I believe it was Confucious or possibly Clint Eastwood who said "Deserve's got nothing to do with it." If only I could bring myself to believe in karma, I'd probably be feeling a lot better about things.

Well, I'm sure this has been like reading the last words of Dutch Schultz to most everyone, but it makes sense to me, and that's all I'm trying to do. Make some sense of things. Sorry - tomorrow I'll post something funny.