Here's the "25 Astounding Feats and Facts About Me" thing I did for Facebook.
1) I was born in the Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland, which is where the autopsy on JFK was performed. The two events were, as far as I know, unrelated.
2) At the time of my birth, both of my parents worked in the Pentagon, albeit in different rings. As a Navy brat, I spent my first nine years living in such exotic locations as Morocco, Puerto Rico and Middletown, Rhode Island.
3) I was an altar boy in the Catholic church. I would hold the tray under your chin while you took holy communion. This didn't last long and really, I don't know why I did it - my parents weren't religious and apparently just went along with it to humor me.
4) I was an outfielder on our little league team in Puerto Rico, the Sebana Seca Sharks. This was the only sports team I was ever part of, and with good reason, because I was terrible. I never took the bat off my shoulder because I was terrified of making a fool of myself. I think I swung at one pitch in my entire career and fouled it off. I did walk a few times, but On Base Percentage was not valued in those days. Our team finished in last place, but we all got trophies anyway. I think I'm finally ready to give it another shot, perhaps in an over-40 softball beer league.
5) My favorite TV show as a child was The Six Million Dollar Man which, for some crazy reason, is pretty much the only TV show of all time that's not available on DVD. When we lived in Puerto Rico, the American shows were broadcast in Spanish, but the original English soundtrack was simulcast on a radio station, so we would turn down the TV volume and listen on the radio. At one point, the TV station went off the air for some reason, so I had to listen to the classic Bigfoot episode on the radio, like it was 1942 or something.
6) I used to write and draw my own comic books, including Bat-Pink, in which the Pink Panther was secretly Batman, and a Jaws sequel that took place in a futuristic underwater city. I think I could sell these ideas today for millions. I also wrote novelizations. Remember that summer on General Hospital when Luke and Laura were on the run from the mob? I novelized that. Please kill me.
7) In 1976, my father was transfered to the Navy base in Winter Harbor, Maine. My family has lived in Maine ever since. Even though I think of myself as a native New Englander, I'm not actually from anywhere, which is kind of weird. My parents grew up in New Jersey, and my dad's upbringing was incredibly similar to that of David Chase, creator of The Sopranos.
8) In high school, I was in charge of the message board out by the front entrance, which led to me being accused of two separate pranks. I had a box full of plastic letters which I would use to arrange messages, usually notifications of upcoming events or scores of the big games. When nothing was going on, however, I would put up comical messages - for the humor! One time I was going out of town for spring vacation and my classmate Ed Weaver asked to borrow the letters. I knew he had a scheme in mind, but didn't really care. When I got back from vacation, I drove around the school and saw all sorts of real estate signs planted around. Ed had spelled out on the board, "SCHOOL FOR SALE, $100 OR BEST OFFER" or some such witticism. Well, apparently someone saw my car that night, and given that I was the guy in charge of the sign, I was called to the principal's office and grilled about the prank. I didn't narc out Ed Weaver, but I guess he eventually confessed, because I was never punished.
9) That was the first prank. The second one: I came out to the parking lot after school one day to find our beloved mascot, a stuffed tiger, on the hood of my car. Generally the tiger was locked up in the trophy cabinet, so I didn't know how he got there. I stuffed him in my trunk and put "HELP! THERE'S A TIGER ON MY CAR" on the message board. Shortly after I got home, the phone rang and it was the principal again, wondering why I had stolen the tiger. I explained that I had actually rescued the tiger, but he wasn't having it. That message board was nothing but trouble.
10) I can say the following tongue-twister faster than anyone on earth: "Betty Botter bought a bit of butter, but she said "This butter's bitter. If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter. So Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter and it made her batter better." I taught my nephew to say this, which remains my proudest accomplishment.
11) I have a foolproof cure for the hiccups which I learned from my friend Nick. If you ever have a terminal case of the hiccups, let me know. I gotcha covered.
12) I spent the summer after college driving around the country with my friend Jim. Somehow we didn't kill each other. As a result of this, I have been to all the lower 48 states except, weirdly, Florida. I will rectify this sooner than later.
13) I'm not much for karoake, but when pressed, I'll do it. As best I can recall, I have sung three songs in karoake bars: "Okie From Muskogee," "Werewolves of London" and "Sweet Caroline."
14) The best concert I ever saw was Tom Waits at the Paramount Theater in 1999, but I've seen all the greats - Sinatra, The Who, Prince, Bowie, Pink Floyd and Screamin' Jay Hawkins. The well-known performers I've seen the most are Bob Dylan (seven times) and They Might Be Giants (eight times), but the band I've seen the most times, without question, is Austin's own Flametrick Subs. From the time I moved to Austin in 1996, I saw their show at the Black Cat Lounge (with Satan's Cheerleaders) nearly every weekend for three or four years. I was never a Deadhead, but I guess I was a Flamehead.
15) As an adult, I have been to London, Paris, Rome, Prague, Frankfurt and Venice, but my passport has recently expired. I hope to get back to Europe, either to Ireland or Spain, this year.
16) I am a dog person. I tried briefly to be a cat person, with disastrous results. The dogs of my life have been named Coffee, Bosun, Happy and my current life partner, Maury.
17) Although I have often told Maury he is the goodest boy in the whole wide world, I have a vast body of evidence that suggests this isn't actually true. I don't hold it against him, though.
18) Things I have done for art: Sang "I'm Henry VIII, I Am" a capella in high school cabaret. Played a Nazi in Sound of Music (my mother made the swastika armbands). Directed Mark Argerake to vomit alphabet soup in college short film . Walked down the Vegas strip with my pants around my ankles for an independent short film. Made out with a lesbian in Apocalypse Bop. (OK, that wasn't so bad.) Allowed a crazed Irishman to shave my head for (the never-completed) No Love.
19) Thing I have not done for art: Made out with Andrew Osborne for the aforementioned No Love. I have my limits too, Junior. And maybe I'd feel bad about it except, as I mentioned, No Love was never completed.
20) My first job in Hollywood was as an unpaid intern on the straight-to-cable Debbie Harry thriller Intimate Stranger. I have many stories about that, but most important is this: Grace Zabriskie was in the cast. At the wrap party, she brought her TV daughter from the then-hot series, and my favorite TV show of all time, Twin Peaks, Sheryl Lee, who played Laura Palmer. At that wrap party, I danced with Laura Palmer. I'm not saying it was a magical moment where we stared into each other's eyes and fell in love, but screw you, I danced with Laura Palmer.
21) I wrote this book: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Hick-Flicks/Scott-Von-Doviak/e/9780786419975/?itm=3. Buy it.
22) I am paralyzed in my efforts to write a second book. I have some ideas, but none of them seem worthy. Please share your ideas.
23) I invented fast zombies. I sold the option on my fast zombie script to Willie Nelson's production company. It has not yet been made - but it's still available! IM me!
24) I was at Fenway Park for Manny Ramirez's last home run as a Red Sox. I miss Manny, and yet I don't.
25) I am reviewing every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Follow my efforts here: http://www.nerve.com/CS/blogs/screengrab/archive/tags/unwatchable/default.aspx
