Monday, April 28, 2003

Here's something that never came to fruition. A few years back, right before the dotcom bubble burst, a friend of mine had a connection at some Internet cartoon site. We came up with the idea for a series called Long Car Trip. He wrote the first installment, Long Car Trip: Roberto Benigni. Here is my contribution.

Long Car Trip: Jerry Lewis
Scott Von Doviak


Jerry Lewis - lacquered hair, tuxedo, carrying a brown paper bag and smoking a cigarette - slides into the passenger seat.

Sweet Sammy's eye, can you believe
this? Did you see a white limo pull
out of here? I tell ya, a fella
can't go to the can anymore without
being left in the lurch! What in
the hell is happening in this
country today?

Jerry chucks his cigarette. He opens the paper bag, removes a sandwich, and takes a big bite. He makes a horrible face and spits out the mouthful.

You call this a corned beef? You
can't get good corned beef out here.
These roadside places make me vomit!
On the inside. I'm vomiting on the
inside, believe you me! You want

Jerry holds out the half-eaten sandwich, then shrugs and tosses it out the window.

You wouldn't happen to have a wet
bar in here, would you, pal? I
could really shake a brandy down
about now. I appreciate you picking
me up, by the way. It shows a
respect and I might even say a love
of fellow man that is sadly lacking
here on our big round spinning
thing we all call home. Say, do you
think this fat broad in the Volvo
could go any slower?

Jerry leans out the window.

Hey, laaaa-dy! It's the long thin
pedal on the right, okay? Give it
some go-juice! Life is short and
Jerry's kids can't wait!

Jerry sits back in his seat.

One thing you'll learn in this life,
if I might so humbly interject to
you a piece of advice my good friend
Frank - that's Mr. Sinatra to you -
once gave me. He said, "Jerry, my
beloved pal, prince among men and
damn talented sonofabitch. Jerry,
nobody ever made a nickel taking
crap from some schmuck. Some joker
tries to give me the high hat,
he'll be finding teeth in his
oatmeal for a month." When Frank
told me that, a single glistening
tear ran down my cheek and I hugged
that man as only two towering
legends of show business can hug.
And there was a warmth and a love
and a respect that you will never
understand, you with your baseball
cap and your french fries and your
ZZ Top cassette tapes. No offense.

Jerry puts a fresh smoke in his mouth and pulls an enormous lighter out of his pocket. Jerry ignites the lighter, triggering a huge eruption of flame. Jerry lights his smoke, then slams the lighter shut. He looks toward the driver's seat for approval.

What's the matter? You don't think
that's funny? Well, how about this?

Jerry takes a couple of pencils out of his pocket, jams them up his nose, crosses his eyes and makes a "WAAAAAHHHHH!" sound. No response.

Tough crowd. Reminds me of playing
the Copa back in '63. Seven shows a
night I used to do. Then get up at
5 in the morning to be on the set
of The Patsy. I could never do that
now. I got the prostate. But I'm
still there for my kids every Labor
Day. I love the little bastards!
You don't see Jim Carrey doing 24
straight hours of live television!
Don't get me wrong, I respect the
talent, but why all the pee-pee
poo-poo humor? And Adam Sandler? I
do not recognize it as comedy! It
does not contain those ingredients
that add up to the recipe that
provokes the response that we call

Jerry reaches down under the seat and picks up a can of motor oil.

You using this?

Jerry squeezes oil into his hair and runs a comb through it, then tosses the can. He begins to hum, then breaks into song in his classic grating style.

A little bit of Monica in my liiiife,
A little bit of Erica by my siiiiide,
A little bit of Julia makes me dance,
A little bit of jellyfish in my pants...

Jerry mops his brow with a hanky.

Whaddaya think? I'm adding that one
to the act. The audience goes crazy
nuts for that stuff! And it's all
about the audience for me. Those sad
little people with their miserable,
pathetic lives - They need Jerry!
They love Jerry! JERRY CANNOT LET

Jerry gasps and clutches his chest, then takes a couple of deep breaths.

JERRY need to panic. God can't take me yet. I have so much more to give! Dino's gone. Sammy's gone. Frank's gone. The world needs Jerry more than ever! Do you hear me, Mr. Big Guy Upstairs Man? Death is not in the cards for Jerry! It may be okay for some people but some people ain't me!

* * *

That's it. Seems like there must have been more at one time.

Monday, April 14, 2003

A couple newish reviews:

Assassination Tango

House of 1000 Corpses

Apparently the weekend arts editor set aside a space the size of a postage stamp for the Corpses review, because it's been whittled down to almost nothing. But then, the same might be said for the movie.

I really do have plans for this here slice of webspace besides posting links to my reviews. For now, though, that's about all I have time for. I'll have four new reviews this week alone, which is a good thing, as I just did my taxes and discovered Uncle Sam is cornholing me but good this year.

Friday, April 04, 2003

I wasn't even gonna bother linking this one, but I haven't posted anything in a few days, so what the hell...

What a Girl Wants