Between 12 noon yesterday and 12 noon today I watched 24 straight hours of hillbilly horror movies. I had my reasons - it's all part of my forthcoming redneck cinema opus. The features, in order of screening:

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1-4
The Town That Dreaded Sundown
Deranged
Poor Pretty Eddie
Motel Hell
Redneck Zombies (abandoned after five minutes)
Southern Comfort
Hunter's Blood
Blood Salvage
The Hills Have Eyes 1 & 2

Here, as a public service of Moonshine Mountain, are the top 10 things I learned from this experience:

10. Ask nicely, and don't taunt the rednecks.

9. A man who whistles "Bringing in the Sheaves" is probably bad news.

8. Moonshine is flammable - use this to your advantage.

7. The sheriff is in on it.

6. The old man at the gas station? He's in on it, too.

5. Swamps ain't for skinnydippin'.

4. No good can come of picking up hitchhikers.

3. That shortcut that's not on the map? Don't take it.

2. Yes, that's your boyfriend's face, but that is not your boyfriend.

1. Don't eat the beef jerky.