Every now and then a hearty crew of beer-swilling action heroes gathers for Manly Movie Monday, selecting a testosterone-fueled classic like Ride the High Country, Reservoir Dogs or Steel Magnolias for viewing, discussion and/or mockery. Last night was such an occasion, and the feature presentation (after sampling selected fight scenes from Master of the Flying Guillotine) was Hard Boiled, John Woo’s ode to bullet wounds. I confess, after seeing this movie twice now, I still have no idea what the hell it’s all about, so I decided to consult some experts via the Movie Review Query Engine. Here’s what they had to say.

According to the Grim Reaper’s Movie Guide, “violent shoot-outs are followed by long, boring scenes where nothing much happens,” but “then, the last forty-five minutes occurred, a time in which my opinion of the film completely changed. The hospital shoot-out has to be one of the best moments ever in an action film, it just goes on and on as criminal after criminal is shot, no, riddled with bullets, glass smashes, and literally loads of people die.”

From MovieJustice we learn: “According to several sources on the internet, this movie holds the record for the highest number of on-screen deaths clocking in at around 230. Not bad for a two hour long movie, after all that comes to about two deaths every minute if you did the math.”

The Mutant Reviewers From Hell site decries “a lot of largely unecessary talking and plot exposition between gunfights, but unless you're really starving for clarinet music and meaningful looks between two grown men, it's a good excuse to test your ‘next chapter’function on the DVD.” However, the review goes on to note: “It's so manly that as a guy, I had to rip off my shirt in the middle of this film and growl for the rest of the day, chewing on uncooked red meat.”

Well, that settles it. It appears we made the right choice.