Moonshine Mountain

2009-04-17T14:11:00.007-05:00

Last Night on Moonshine Mountain

This is it, folks - my last post here at Moonshine Mountain. Well, it's not like I've posted much of anything besides the occasional link for a couple years now. But as one blog dies, another is born, so join me over at my new home, mysteriously called Scott Von Doviak. Bookmark it now! I'm cautiously optimistic that this will be a much more active site, but we'll see how it goes. In any case, I'm going to leave the archives standing here into eternity, so feel free to drop by anytime and dig through the detritus of Moonshine Mountain.

2009-04-15T08:13:00.002-05:00

The below interview is now archived, so you can listen to it day or night and judge for yourself whether I made sense at any point.

2009-04-14T09:30:00.002-05:00

If you happen to be on the interwebs at 10 pm Central tonight, why not listen to me on Soul Lab radio?

2009-03-26T11:19:00.001-05:00

Monsters vs. Aliens

2009-03-13T10:39:00.002-05:00

Follow my SXSW coverage at the Screengrab. Constant updates! More or less.

2009-02-05T14:32:00.000-06:00

Coraline

3-D's Popping Off the Screen Again

2009-02-01T20:42:00.002-06:00

Here's the "25 Astounding Feats and Facts About Me" thing I did for Facebook.

1) I was born in the Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland, which is where the autopsy on JFK was performed. The two events were, as far as I know, unrelated.

2) At the time of my birth, both of my parents worked in the Pentagon, albeit in different rings. As a Navy brat, I spent my first nine years living in such exotic locations as Morocco, Puerto Rico and Middletown, Rhode Island.

3) I was an altar boy in the Catholic church. I would hold the tray under your chin while you took holy communion. This didn't last long and really, I don't know why I did it - my parents weren't religious and apparently just went along with it to humor me.

4) I was an outfielder on our little league team in Puerto Rico, the Sebana Seca Sharks. This was the only sports team I was ever part of, and with good reason, because I was terrible. I never took the bat off my shoulder because I was terrified of making a fool of myself. I think I swung at one pitch in my entire career and fouled it off. I did walk a few times, but On Base Percentage was not valued in those days. Our team finished in last place, but we all got trophies anyway. I think I'm finally ready to give it another shot, perhaps in an over-40 softball beer league.

5) My favorite TV show as a child was The Six Million Dollar Man which, for some crazy reason, is pretty much the only TV show of all time that's not available on DVD. When we lived in Puerto Rico, the American shows were broadcast in Spanish, but the original English soundtrack was simulcast on a radio station, so we would turn down the TV volume and listen on the radio. At one point, the TV station went off the air for some reason, so I had to listen to the classic Bigfoot episode on the radio, like it was 1942 or something.

6) I used to write and draw my own comic books, including Bat-Pink, in which the Pink Panther was secretly Batman, and a Jaws sequel that took place in a futuristic underwater city. I think I could sell these ideas today for millions. I also wrote novelizations. Remember that summer on General Hospital when Luke and Laura were on the run from the mob? I novelized that. Please kill me.

7) In 1976, my father was transfered to the Navy base in Winter Harbor, Maine. My family has lived in Maine ever since. Even though I think of myself as a native New Englander, I'm not actually from anywhere, which is kind of weird. My parents grew up in New Jersey, and my dad's upbringing was incredibly similar to that of David Chase, creator of The Sopranos.

8) In high school, I was in charge of the message board out by the front entrance, which led to me being accused of two separate pranks. I had a box full of plastic letters which I would use to arrange messages, usually notifications of upcoming events or scores of the big games. When nothing was going on, however, I would put up comical messages - for the humor! One time I was going out of town for spring vacation and my classmate Ed Weaver asked to borrow the letters. I knew he had a scheme in mind, but didn't really care. When I got back from vacation, I drove around the school and saw all sorts of real estate signs planted around. Ed had spelled out on the board, "SCHOOL FOR SALE, $100 OR BEST OFFER" or some such witticism. Well, apparently someone saw my car that night, and given that I was the guy in charge of the sign, I was called to the principal's office and grilled about the prank. I didn't narc out Ed Weaver, but I guess he eventually confessed, because I was never punished.

9) That was the first prank. The second one: I came out to the parking lot after school one day to find our beloved mascot, a stuffed tiger, on the hood of my car. Generally the tiger was locked up in the trophy cabinet, so I didn't know how he got there. I stuffed him in my trunk and put "HELP! THERE'S A TIGER ON MY CAR" on the message board. Shortly after I got home, the phone rang and it was the principal again, wondering why I had stolen the tiger. I explained that I had actually rescued the tiger, but he wasn't having it. That message board was nothing but trouble.

10) I can say the following tongue-twister faster than anyone on earth: "Betty Botter bought a bit of butter, but she said "This butter's bitter. If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter. So Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter and it made her batter better." I taught my nephew to say this, which remains my proudest accomplishment.

11) I have a foolproof cure for the hiccups which I learned from my friend Nick. If you ever have a terminal case of the hiccups, let me know. I gotcha covered.

12) I spent the summer after college driving around the country with my friend Jim. Somehow we didn't kill each other. As a result of this, I have been to all the lower 48 states except, weirdly, Florida. I will rectify this sooner than later.

13) I'm not much for karoake, but when pressed, I'll do it. As best I can recall, I have sung three songs in karoake bars: "Okie From Muskogee," "Werewolves of London" and "Sweet Caroline."

14) The best concert I ever saw was Tom Waits at the Paramount Theater in 1999, but I've seen all the greats - Sinatra, The Who, Prince, Bowie, Pink Floyd and Screamin' Jay Hawkins. The well-known performers I've seen the most are Bob Dylan (seven times) and They Might Be Giants (eight times), but the band I've seen the most times, without question, is Austin's own Flametrick Subs. From the time I moved to Austin in 1996, I saw their show at the Black Cat Lounge (with Satan's Cheerleaders) nearly every weekend for three or four years. I was never a Deadhead, but I guess I was a Flamehead.

15) As an adult, I have been to London, Paris, Rome, Prague, Frankfurt and Venice, but my passport has recently expired. I hope to get back to Europe, either to Ireland or Spain, this year.

16) I am a dog person. I tried briefly to be a cat person, with disastrous results. The dogs of my life have been named Coffee, Bosun, Happy and my current life partner, Maury.

17) Although I have often told Maury he is the goodest boy in the whole wide world, I have a vast body of evidence that suggests this isn't actually true. I don't hold it against him, though.

18) Things I have done for art: Sang "I'm Henry VIII, I Am" a capella in high school cabaret. Played a Nazi in Sound of Music (my mother made the swastika armbands). Directed Mark Argerake to vomit alphabet soup in college short film . Walked down the Vegas strip with my pants around my ankles for an independent short film. Made out with a lesbian in Apocalypse Bop. (OK, that wasn't so bad.) Allowed a crazed Irishman to shave my head for (the never-completed) No Love.

19) Thing I have not done for art: Made out with Andrew Osborne for the aforementioned No Love. I have my limits too, Junior. And maybe I'd feel bad about it except, as I mentioned, No Love was never completed.

20) My first job in Hollywood was as an unpaid intern on the straight-to-cable Debbie Harry thriller Intimate Stranger. I have many stories about that, but most important is this: Grace Zabriskie was in the cast. At the wrap party, she brought her TV daughter from the then-hot series, and my favorite TV show of all time, Twin Peaks, Sheryl Lee, who played Laura Palmer. At that wrap party, I danced with Laura Palmer. I'm not saying it was a magical moment where we stared into each other's eyes and fell in love, but screw you, I danced with Laura Palmer.

21) I wrote this book: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Hick-Flicks/Scott-Von-Doviak/e/9780786419975/?itm=3. Buy it.

22) I am paralyzed in my efforts to write a second book. I have some ideas, but none of them seem worthy. Please share your ideas.

23) I invented fast zombies. I sold the option on my fast zombie script to Willie Nelson's production company. It has not yet been made - but it's still available! IM me!

24) I was at Fenway Park for Manny Ramirez's last home run as a Red Sox. I miss Manny, and yet I don't.

25) I am reviewing every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Follow my efforts here: http://www.nerve.com/CS/blogs/screengrab/archive/tags/unwatchable/default.aspx

2009-01-23T08:24:00.001-06:00

Waltz with Bashir

2009-01-21T14:57:00.001-06:00

2008-12-27T11:39:00.001-06:00

Bedtime Stories

Top Ten of 2008

2008-12-18T14:57:00.001-06:00

Yes Man

2008-12-11T14:01:00.002-06:00

Doubt

10 classic Christmas families to revisit, instead of your own

2008-11-25T22:53:00.001-06:00

Four Christmases

2008-11-21T08:20:00.000-06:00

JCVD

Guilty Pleasures

2008-11-07T08:11:00.001-06:00

Another review of Synecdoche, New York. I think I've said my piece.

2008-11-05T13:56:00.001-06:00

2008-10-31T08:17:00.000-05:00

RocknRolla

August Evening

2008-10-24T08:08:00.000-05:00

Synecdoche, New York

Pride and Glory

2008-10-17T09:54:00.000-05:00

Max Payne

W.

2008-10-03T08:16:00.001-05:00

Appaloosa

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist

2008-09-26T08:30:00.000-05:00

Nights in Rodanthe

2008-09-19T08:20:00.003-05:00

Ghost Town

Also be sure to check out my coverage of Fantastic Fest, beginning today over at the Screengrab. First up: Fanboys.

2008-09-15T08:53:00.001-05:00

The Family That Preys

Embarrassing audio of my McConaughey interview can be found here.

2008-09-11T14:03:00.001-05:00

Here is my interview with Matthew McConaughey and S.R. Bindler, star and director of Surfer, Dude.

And here is my review of Surfer, Dude. Actually, that's my second review of the movie, as I had already done one for the Screengrab before I knew I was doing it for the Star-Telegram.

In conclusion, enough with Surfer, Dude already.

2008-08-27T09:05:00.000-05:00

Traitor

2008-08-15T08:26:00.000-05:00

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

This Is Henry Poole

2008-08-06T08:16:00.001-05:00

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2

2008-07-15T15:04:00.001-05:00

Here's my review of The Dark Knight. It doesn't officially go up until Thursday morning, but hey, we're all friends here, right?

2008-07-11T13:36:00.005-05:00

Hey, kids! You like to read, dontcha? You like to read books about great record albums, dontcha? You like to read in-depth music criticism disguised as a novella about a failed musician, dontcha? Well, then, here's a book for you! My good pal and High Hat cohort Hayden Childs has written about Richard and Linda Thompson's Shoot Out the Lights for the 33 1/3 series, and it looks a little something like this:

By way of publicizin', there will be a book release party this Saturday night at the Carousel Lounge in Austin, with live readings and various bands performing the musics. And also by way of publicizin', Hayden did a nifty week of blogging at Powells.com all about an alternate universe of 33 1/3 books, such as Mark Twain on Camper Van Beethoven's Key Lime Pie, and each post comes with its own unique muxtape soundtrack. Check 'em out here.

2008-06-23T20:36:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure I ever had the conscious thought "George Carlin is one of my heroes," but when I heard he'd died this morning (it was a casual mention by a talk radio host who assumed everyone listening already knew, which made it worse), I knew it was true. I could try to write something about him, but my High Hat colleague William Ham has written an absolutely beautiful post that pretty much mirrors my experience in every respect, so I'll just link to that instead: Bye, George.

2008-06-20T08:25:00.000-05:00

The Love Guru. Put on your haz-mat gear.

2008-06-09T15:50:00.002-05:00

Nerve and the Independent Film Channel present the 50 Worst Sex Scenes in Cinema. I wrote #39 (Fair Game), #17 (The Life of David Gale) and #6 (Color of Night), but you'll want to enjoy the whole list, no?

2008-06-06T08:21:00.001-05:00

You Don't Mess With the Zohan

2008-05-29T16:17:00.003-05:00

The Strangers

Don't ask me why it's up on The Olympian site first. I don't make those decisions and no one explains them to me.

If you haven't been keeping up with my stuff on The Screengrab (And if you haven't, why not? What kind of friend are you? I need page views, people! There are bonuses involved here!), I've launched another new series, this one called Summer of '78. I think it's self-explanatory. Of course, I've got tons of other wonderful stuff there, so read it all!

2008-05-18T12:04:00.001-05:00

New muxtape! Opening Day is behind us - it's time for Happy Summer Funtime Mix! (Well, it's summer here, anyway.)

2008-05-16T11:25:00.001-05:00

How the Garcia Girls Spent Their Summer

2008-04-29T14:24:00.004-05:00

I have launched a new feature at the Screengrab called Unwatchable, the premise of which is me watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list of the worst movies ever made. The first two installments are Devil Fish and The Honeymooners, and the worst is yet to come. Why am I doing this? Well, sometimes I am at a loss for topics to post about, so this project fills a need and also my wallet. Plus I do need to follow up Hick Flicks one of these years, and this premise could form the basis of a quickie book. See, I do have a reason for everything.

This link will update with each new entry: Unwatchable

2008-04-12T22:09:00.000-05:00

HOLISTIC MIX

The premise of this disc is “surprise,” in all its forms. I have stretched the definition of this word “surprise” to its breaking point out of desperation.

1. Mystery intro. You either know it or you don’t.

2. “Java,” Al Hirt. Years ago I lived in Los Angeles and had a cool convertible and a cool friend named Bebe who had a cool tape with a version of this song by, wait for it, Lawrence Welk. I still have the friend, but the car blew up and the tape is long gone. But SUPRISE I did stumble upon this worthy version many years later.

3. “American Wedding,” Gogol Bordello. From the “I heard it at poker night” files. At first I thought it was my old pals the Red Elvises, but SURPRISE, I found it at emusic and now I know the truth.

4. “Sandwich,” Size Matters. My old pal Tim Sprague is a genius songwriter, and a couple years ago I was recruited by his fellow genius songwriter Steve Lewis for a tribute CD project, as a SURPRISE for Tim. My efforts fell through, but they could have never matched this kick-ass version of the #1 hit that never was anyway.

5. “I’m At Home Getting Hammered,” Banjo & Sullivan. A fictional 70s country act who were murdered by Rob Zombie’s Devil’s Rejects. SURPRISINGLY good.

6. “Ain’t That Pretty At All,” The Pixes. Did you know the Pixies recorded this Warren Zevon song for a tribute album? No? SURPRISE!

7. “Our Love Will Still Be There,” The Troggs. Did you know there was a Troggs song besides “Wild Thing”? Neither did I until my pal John Shuffleboil included this track on a mix CD. Boy, was I SURPRISED!

8. “Tournament of Hearts,” The Weakerthans. Another one from “I heard it at poker night.” The first of several tracks on this disc from KEXP’s Song of the Day site, all of which were a SURPRISE to me. Even though it’s Canadian, and has a lot to do with curling, about which I know nothing, this song really speaks to me.

9. “Love Shop,” Jerry Goldsmith. Again courtesy of my pal John Shuffleboil, who shares my love of 70s sci-fi cheese. He sent me a bootleg of the Logan’s Run soundtrack, and boy was I SURPRISED!

10. “Bob George,” Prince. Believe it or not, younguns, at one time a new Prince album release was a bona fide event. So I was crushed when the announced Black Album was pulled at the last minute in 1987. But much to my SURPRISE, my friend Tim found a bootleg tape way back when. It has since been officially released, of course, but this is still the weirdest Prince song, which is really saying something.

11. “Livin’ in the Future,” Bruce Springsteen. Hey, speaking of guys who peaked twenty-some years ago, here is the greatest Springsteen song of 1985. Except it just came out last year. SURPRISE! Somehow it took him this long to figure out the perfect blend of good-timey rock and ambiguously apocalyptic lyrics.

12. “16 Shells From a 30-Ought-6,” Tom Waits. It was 1999 and Tom Waits was coming to Austin to play a midnight show for SXSW. I tried to get tickets and failed. At the last minute, my pal Jen called to inform me she had two seats, second row at the Paramount, and I was invited. Boy was I SURPRISED! I was also SURPRISED a few months later when my pal Dan gave me a bootleg CD of that show for Christmas. I can hear myself cheering and laughing on many of the tracks, including this one.

13. “Yer Stoned Italian Cowboy,” The Go. Another one from KEXP’s SURPRISE Song of the Day.

14. “Hangman,” Fire on Fire. As is this. SURPRISED?

15. “Holland 1945,” Neutral Milk Hotel. I can’t remember why I included this one, unless it’s because I listened to this album approximately 99999 times before learning that it was about Anne Frank. Imagine my SURPRISE!

16. “The Red Sox Are Winning,” Earth Opera. During the Sawx playoff run last year, I happened upon this track on emusic from a collection of “Bosstown Sound” tunes. It’s mighty freakin’ SURPRISINGLY weird, especially the Charlton Heston-esque KILL THE HIPPIES finale.

17. “Wave Backwards to Massachusetts,” Hallelujah the Hills. See #13 & #14. Same sort of SURPRISE.

18. “The Man Trying to Outfox Us All,” We All Have Hooks For Hands. This too. Not so much of a SURPRISE anymore.

19. “Sing It Again,” Beck. Totally out of ideas, I decided to use a randomizer on the internets to pick the last three songs. I’ve got three different CD shelf units, so I chose a random SURPRISE track from each. This is the first.

20. “Greenback Fly,” Southern Culture on the Skids. This is the second SURPRISE random track.

21. “Minneapolis,” Lucinda Williams. This is the third SURPRISE random track.

Boy, did this suck. SURPRISE!

2008-04-11T08:14:00.001-05:00

Smart People

2008-03-30T10:52:00.003-05:00

Have you checked out Muxtape yet? It's the simplest possible way of putting together a virtual mixtape to be listened to throughout the interwebs. Here is my first attempt, an Opening Day mix featuring Dropkick Murphys, Jonathan Richman, the Standells, Mountain Goats and even Neil Diamond. Check it out now, before the RIAA shuts it down.

2008-03-21T20:42:00.000-05:00

2008-03-07T14:31:00.003-06:00

SXSW is upon us, and I'll be blogging it for the Screengrab. If you want the special Von Doviak-only version of the 'grab, use this link and you should get pretty much all my stuff. Of course, my colleagues are wonderful writers as well! You should read their stuff too! You know, when you have time.

2008-02-15T12:58:00.003-06:00

Step Up 2 The Streets

This week at the Screengrab: My Oscar picks (which according to one commenter are boring - I guess I should have gone for that Alvin & the Chipmunks sweep), the Before Sunset portion of Our 11 Favorite Romantic Movie Moments, the Repo Man sequel, Paris Hilton's sad weekend, the Coen Brothers' new projects and Private Joker's Homepage.

2008-02-08T09:30:00.000-06:00

Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show

2008-02-05T13:22:00.000-06:00

What's new on the Screengrab front, you ask? All kinds of fascinating crap, I answer! Kill what's left of your work day reading my posts on the continuing King of Kong saga, the fine art of rare film collecting, filmmakers gone missing Harmony "Gummo" Korine and, more controversially, Michael "Heaven's Gate" Cimino, and my list of 10 movies for a snow day.

2008-02-02T20:44:00.000-06:00

Longtime readers of Moonshine Mountain may remember this mix CD challenge from way back when. Well, another challenge was recently issued, and for those of you who may receive one of the discs and for those of you who want to play along at home, here are the liner notes. I did double up on a few categories, and there are some inside references you may not get, but such is life.

1. The Last Thing You'll Ever Hear

Body of an American – The Pogues. In my next life as a Baltimore city po-lice, it's the last thing I'll ever hear.

2. Song about a body part

Gary Gilmore's Eyes – Dean Schlabowske. "Gary and his eyes have parted company" is the line I never remember to spring on Mairs when we disagree on a movie.

3. Cover better than the original

Gin and Juice – The Gourds. All due respect to Mr. Dogg, but I never get sick of this rootsy version by one of my fave Austin bands.

4. No vocals & 9. Spooooooooooky

The Pink Room – David Lynch. From the Fire Walk With Me soundtrack. Music to go on a three-state killing spree by.

5. What Instrument is That? & 12. Voice On Loan From God

Everything Goes to Hell – Tom Waits. That's a combination that could only add up to my man Waits, because you know there ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk, and when he's drunk he loans his voice to Tom and lets him pick out a fictional instrument. This track from Blood Money features the Chamberlin, which I believe is a medieval torture device.

6. Duo & 8. No verse, no chorus, all bridge: the song has unrepeated (or minimally repeated) movements rather than a verse-chorus structure

The Famous Polka – They Might Be Giants. Not a perfect fit - I had originally slotted "Fingertips" from Apollo 18 here, but it's divided into like 20 different tracks, which would screw everything up. Besides, these are the most brilliant lyrics in TMBG history.

7. No chorus, no bridge: the song follows the same structure throughout

Evidently Chickentown – John Cooper Clarke. I tracked this down after it was used in the last season of The Sopranos.

10. About space travel and/or aliens

Motorway to Roswell – Pixies. Studies show that nine out of ten Pixies songs are about space travel and/or aliens. Here is one.

11. Perfect Road Song

Return of the Grievous Angel – Gram Parsons. Out with the truckers and the kickers and the cowboy angels. I wish I had the Trouble Down South version, but this will have to do.

13. Song that makes you wish you didn't know the language it's being sung in (I don't think this means foreign language, but instead stupid lyrics)

Wiggle Wiggle – Bob Dylan. Oh, Bob. This is when you know you have no true friends. Someone who cared should have stopped you. Although I'll always love the way you sang "wiggle like a big fat snake."

14. Killer guitar solo/Should be in Guitar Hero

Take It Off – The Genteels. Not nearly enough Las Vegas Grind on Guitar Hero.

15. Song that makes you laugh (or includes laughter)

Piss Up a Rope – Ween. What can I say, I'm easily amused.

16. Song that makes you cry (or includes weeping)

The Weeping Song – Nick Cave. A song in which to weep.

17. Song you'd like to see made into a movie

Detox Mansion – Warren Zevon. One of my earliest screenplay ideas was an Altmanesque celebrity rehab comedy based on this song. Years later, I reviewed the terrible Sandra Bullock vehicle 28 Days, which was described in the press notes as M*A*S*H in a rehab center. Another dream died.

18. Music from Before 1950

Jumpin' Jive – Cab Calloway & His Orchestra. Makes you like your eggs on the Jersey side.

19. Song you're sure nobody else in the group has

The Welfare Hotel Twist - Eric Jacobson. Lyrics by Scott Von Doviak. I've got a CD's worth of stuff I co-wrote with my musician pal Eric, but I settled on this one written in response to a challenge to include the phrase "microsurgical vasectomy reversal" in the lyrics. I did it, dammit!

20. The greatest song ever made, according to your sixteen-year-old-self

Baba O'Riley – The Waco Brothers. The problem here is that everyone already has "Won't Get Fooled Again" and "Baba O'Riley," and now that they're CSI themes, it's just all the more embarrassing. So in lieu of the original, and since there's a bit of a Bloodshot Records thing going on here anyway, I figured this version would work.

21. Song about wild - or at least, non-domesticated – animals

Bears – Lyle Lovett. I must confess, this is the category that almost defeated me. Not sure why.

22. Title longer than 8 words

As We Walk to Fenway Park in Boston Town – Jonathan Richman. Near and dear my heart, obviously.

23. Title with 3 or fewer letters

LDN – Lily Allen. Apparently you're either an Amy Winehouse man or a Lily Allen man. I am hereby declaring my allegiance.

24. Song recorded before the artist became even remotely popular (preferably uncharacteristic of style that made them famous)

Wonder Woman – Attila. This slice of sub-Spinal Tap prog rock brought to you by Mr. Billy Joel, ladies and gentlemen.

25. Song about death

The Night Pat Murphy Died - Fiddler's Green. I'd rather end on a raucous wake than a morbid note, and this make a nice bookend with the disc opener.

2008-01-18T09:59:00.000-06:00

Sure, it looks like things are slow around Moonshine Mountain, but I've actually been blogging up a storm - not here, but over at the Screengrab. If you haven't been checking in regularly, you've missed my snarkoriffic commentary on the David Cross flame wars, Woody Allen's European phase, the latest De Niro/Pacino reunion, fake movie titles, whatever happened to the Blair Witch dudes, and the ever-shifting Fanboys release date, among others. Check 'em out, forward 'em to your friends, comment on 'em, treasure 'em forever!

2008-01-11T10:09:00.001-06:00

First Sunday

2008-01-05T11:29:00.000-06:00

Via Shuffleboil, America's fastest growing weekly grocery insert, here's my review of The Wire season five premiere.

2008-01-03T13:46:00.001-06:00

Just to prove it's not all negativity here on Moonshine Mountain:

Top 10 of 2007

2007-12-28T14:12:00.000-06:00

My latest High Hat rant is up:

The Bottom Shelf: Year-End Edition.

My Top 10 of 2007 will follow soon on Screengrab, but meanwhile there are other lists to be devoured there at the Hat.

2007-12-26T13:24:00.001-06:00

Walk Hard

2007-12-19T13:26:00.000-06:00

As part of my continuing efforts to spread my evil influence - as well as keep the lights on - I am now a contributing blogger for the Screengrab, nerve.com's daily compendium of news, notes and nonsense from the world of film. My posts have already begun appearing, so do click early and often. Finally, an answer to the question, "What would get me to blog on a regular basis?" Why, money, of course!

2007-12-18T08:45:00.001-06:00

Kickass trailer for The Wire season five:

In the immortal words of Clay Davis, "Sheeeeeee-it."

2007-12-17T08:38:00.000-06:00

Here's a new Recycle Bin: Tin Man

2007-12-14T08:17:00.000-06:00

Margot at the Wedding

Alvin and the Chipmunks

2007-12-12T13:02:00.000-06:00

The Meat City Beatniks

Many moons ago, Jim "Chief" Dryden wrote a short story called The Meat City Beatniks, loosely based on the travails of myself and then-roommate Andrew "Biz" Osbloon as struggling screenwriters in Los Angeles. Sometime after that, I adapted the story into a screenplay. Along the way, Jim, Andrew and I wrote some songs with Eric "Keys" Jacobson, and then later still, Andrew combined it all into a musical. Next summer...or sometime...that musical will finally reach theater screens...or DVD players...or YouTube. In fact, the trailer is now up on YouTube, and here it is:

2007-12-03T11:08:00.000-06:00

My latest Recycle Bin column is up at Shuffleboil:

The Kubrick Monoliths

2007-11-26T10:54:00.000-06:00

Due to popular demand - okay, due to one person bugging me - I have updated the links, deleting a few long-dead ones and adding a couple new ones. Hoot!

2007-11-21T08:10:00.000-06:00

I'm Not There

August Rush

2007-11-16T14:11:00.000-06:00

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

2007-11-09T08:19:00.000-06:00

Fred Claus

No Country for Old Men

2007-11-05T11:21:00.000-06:00

Perhaps you have noticed the spiffy new Shuffleboil link over there -->. Please click it often! Today, I am proud to announce the debut of my new semi-regular column, the Recycle Bin. This is where I will rant how everything used to be better and now sucks. Except when the opposite is true.

2007-11-02T08:21:00.001-05:00

Bee Movie

2007-11-01T10:11:00.000-05:00

Thanks to GreenCine Daily for plugging the new issue of the High Hat. I'm always grateful when folks praise my "lovely piece."

2007-10-29T00:27:00.000-05:00

2007-10-26T09:02:00.000-05:00

Two new movies you've never heard of and don't need to see:

Music Within

Bella

2007-10-24T14:38:00.000-05:00

Rejoice, readers of words! For a new issue of The High Hat has arrived. The theme is "places," and my contribution is a Bottom Shelf column on Maine as seen in movies based on Stephen King novels.

Speaking of Mr. King, you'll probably be able to see him in the stands of friendly Fenway tonight, where rumor has it the first game of the 2007 World Series is being held. Says here Sox in six.

2007-10-20T23:51:00.000-05:00

Good Times Never Seemed So Good

I felt pretty good all day, but never in my wildest dreams did I see JD Drew hitting a grand slam in the first inning. Game 7 tonight. Hey Cleveland, your mayor's on fire.*

*70s-era joke. May be irrelevant.

2007-10-19T08:36:00.000-05:00

30 Days of Night

Gone Baby Gone

2007-10-18T16:21:00.001-05:00

Season on the Brink: A Live Blogging Event

Weather permitting, Game 5 of the American League Championship Series will be played tonight, with the Red Sox facing elimination. Win and the series goes back to Fenway. Lose and it's winter in New England. What better time for a live blogging event? Not since Oscar night have I attempted such a thing, and since that was so highly acclaimed...uh...well, anyway, I'll give it a shot. Although I should confess it probably won't be quite live, since I'll be viewing on a slight delay via DVR. Hey, whaddaya want, I'm doing this for free.

Pre-game

Always daring and unpredictable, Fox begins the broadcast with references to the Sox miracle comeback in 2004. Which I can't complain about, since it's 1000 times preferable to the moldy reel of Curse clips they would have rolled out had '04 never happened. Then it's onto the news of Joe Torre rejecting the Yankees offer, hopefully just the first domino in a disastrous Yankee off-season. A-Rod, Posada, Rivera - let 'em all tell the husk of Steinbrenner to hang it in his nose. By the way, I've seen The Bronx is Burning, and no disrespect to the comedy stylings of Oliver Platt, but Larry David is still the definitive Big Stein.

Wow, a "Cowboy Up" speech from Kevin Millar and a little "Tessie." Now I'm fired up. What year is this?

Top of the 1st

C.C. "Fat Albert" Sabathia on the mound for Cleveland. Pedroia grounds out weakly. Youkilis homers to left. YOUK!! This is the first game of the series in which the Sox scored first. Papi strikes out. Manny is booed for pimping his homer on Tuesday, then promptly doubles. Lowell bloops a single to right and the score should be 2-0, but Manny is out at the plate. Perhaps not the best omen.

1-0 Boston

Bottom of the 1st

Ah, Jesus. Sizemore hits a high pop-up and no one can get to it. He cruises into second. The unfortunately named Asdrubal Cabrera singles and now it's first and third, no out. Hafner hits into a double play that ties the game. Another single and then a strikeout to end it.

Tied 1-1

Top of the 2nd

Kielty strikes out and Varitek is hit by a pitch, putting him on first. This brings up Coco Crisp, a guy I have absolutely no confidence will do anything at all. This may be his last game in a Red Sox uniform, which will not make me sad. He strikes out, bringing up Lugo, another totally useless bat. He swings at a pitch that passed through downtown Akron and goes on to pop out.

Tied 1-1

Bottom of the 2nd

Beckett strikes out the first batter, and I decide to be confident in him and watch a little Survivor. When I come back, there's a runner on first and two out, and Casey Blake promptly strikes out. Good timing!

Tied 1-1

Top of the 3rd

Pedroia singles and Youk hits into a double play. This is like a continuous loop I've been watching Clockwork Orange-style since Saturday. Meanwhile, Buck and McCarver are jabbering about Torre and the Yankees. Dudes, the Indians and Red Sox are playing baseball here. The Yankees are playing golf. Papi walks. As Manny comes to the plate, McCarver notes: "instead of the walkoff homerun, Manny has coined the 'walk-out' homerun." As fate would have it, Manny hits a ball that's either a homerun or a single. McCarver is apoplectic that Manny's not standing on second base. Ortiz has scored, but the umpires convene to discuss the call. Of course, there's no instant replay in baseball, and they decide it was a single. This could be a fateful moment in the game indeed. Mike Lowell strikes out. I guess if Manny had been on second, he would have scored.

2-1 Boston

Top of the 4th

The bottom of the third went by so fast, I missed it. For Boston Kielty and Varitek hit back-to-back singles. Of course, this brings Crisp up. Please, just bunt. He tries. He fails. I yell at him. He has made some spectacular catches, but I am so done with Coco Crisp. Lugo comes up and hits into a double play on the first pitch. The Incredible Sucking Black Hole at the bottom of the lineup continues to come through.

2-1 Boston

Top the 5th

Beckett cruised through the 4th, The top of the 5th involved a lot of me pacing around the living room as the Red Sox loaded the bases and failed to score. Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up jamming knitting needles in my eyes.

Bottom of the 5th

I went back to my watching Survivor strategy. When I turned back, Cleveland had men on first and third with two out. Five seconds later, Beckett got a strikeout to end the inning. Hey, this is working for me!

Top of the 6th

The bottom third of the Red Sox order does what they do. Nothing. Time for more Survivor!

Top of the 7th

I took Maury for walkies and missed the bottom of the 6th. Clearly Beckett has decided he's not done playing baseball this year. Top of the 7th: Pedroia doubles! Youkilis triples! Sabathia out of the game! Dammit, I was mentally prepared to lose this game, and these bastards are screwing with me!

A deep sac fly from Ortiz brings Youk home. Manny strikes out. Lowell flies out.

Let me here make a small complaint: When Cleveland scores, Fox plays "Cleveland Rocks" leading into the commercials. When Boston scores, they play "Dirty Water." That is the Red Sox victory song! It's bad mojo to be playing it while the game is in progress! Play "Shipping Up to Boston," fer chrissakes!

4-1 Boston

Bottom of the 7th

This is amazing. Once again I watched a little Survivor, once again I came back to see Beckett get a strikeout to end a potential threat. If the Red Sox win this thing, they owe it all to Probst.

Top of the 8th

All good things. Walks, timely hits, bunts, sac flies, passed balls. I'm delighted to see this happen in front of these towel-waving yahoo Cleveland fans. They've been way too happy. Screw 'em and their stupid racist logo.

7-1 Boston

And that's the final score after Papelbon closes this out. Dirty Water! Back to Fenway on Saturday, and to quote Agent Harris of The Sopranos, we're gonna win this thing. I may well go back to Little Woodrow's, the local Sox bar, but if not, I reckon I'll do another live-blog for Game 6.

2007-10-16T09:33:00.000-05:00

Cleveland Steamer

I don't really have anything to say about the game last night, but couldn't resist the headline. Tonight, it's up to a 78-year-old knuckleballer with a bad back to get the Sox back in this series. Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up horse tranquilizers.

2007-10-12T09:06:00.001-05:00

We Own the Night

If you follow the above link, you will find that yet another venue thinks it's a good idea to publish my blatherings. I can't explain it! Well, yes I can. The mastermind behind Shuffleboil is my longtime associate, the maniacal John Mitchell. I don't know that there's been any official launch or mission statement or anything, but now is the time for you to get on the ground floor and add it to your blogroll or favorites or enemies list!

2007-10-04T23:10:00.001-05:00

The Heartbreak Kid

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

2007-10-03T11:03:00.000-05:00

Fall Television/Baseball Playoffs Preview

Here’s the lazy blogger’s would-be clever way of combining two hot topics into one mildly amusing post. Which new or returning TV show is your favorite team as it enters the playoffs starting today?

National League Division Series

Colorado Rockies vs. Philadelphia Phillies

The Rockies are Heroes. An unlikely group of misfits coming out of nowhere to overcome incredible odds. Like the series, they probably peaked too soon.

The Phillies are Bionic Woman. They haven’t been relevant since 1980, but they’ve made an unlikely resurgence thanks to a super-powered offense.

Prediction: Phillies over Rockies in 5

Arizona Diamondbacks vs. Chicago Cubs

The Diamondbacks are Kid Nation. A collection of fresh-faced, untested rookies have been thrown together to accomplish an unlikely goal. Eric Byrnes is clearly seven years old.

The Cubs are The Biggest Loser. Come on, they haven’t won a World Series in 99 years. This one writes itself.

Prediction: Cubs over Diamondbacks in 4

American League Division Series

Los Angeles Angels vs. Boston Red Sox

The Angels are Survivor. They’re dropping like flies and have seen better days, but are still reliably entertaining. It probably won’t end well.

The Red Sox are Lost. Maybe not as good as they were in 2004, and the new cast members are rarely well-received, but the improbable plot twists keep us watching.

Prediction: Red Sox over Angels in 4

New York Yankees vs. Cleveland Indians

The Yankees are ER. They’ve been around forever, the original cast is long gone and they keep adding high-priced stars in hopes of recapturing the glory days. It ain’t happening.

The Indians are Friday Night Lights. A critic’s darling that never really lives up to the hype. Probably heading for early cancellation.

Prediction: Yankees over Indians in 5

2007-09-28T22:35:00.000-05:00

2007-09-28T08:26:00.001-05:00

Game Plan

2007-09-21T08:58:00.000-05:00

In the Shadow of the Moon

Sea of Dreams

2007-09-14T11:06:00.001-05:00

The Devil Came on Horseback

2007-09-04T08:28:00.000-05:00

Here's all the fall preview crap. I wrote the listings (come for the facts, stay for the snark!) as well as the other stuff it says I wrote...

September

October

November

Family

2007-08-31T09:57:00.000-05:00

Ladron que Roba a Ladron

2007-08-29T15:10:00.001-05:00

Balls of Fury

2007-08-24T09:29:00.001-05:00

Mr. Bean's Holiday

2007-08-20T08:08:00.001-05:00

The below mentioned Director's Cut interview is now available here. The episode also features an illuminating chat with Bob Ray, director of the entertaining roller derby documentary Hell On Wheels, which I've written about elsewhen here.

[EDIT: I should mention that it's the archived 8/18 show, and although the link worked for me this morning, it doesn't appear to be operational at the moment.]

2007-08-16T15:53:00.001-05:00

Programming note: I am scheduled to be a guest this Saturday morning on The Director's Cut with Merle Bertrand. It's a new internet radio talk show, and I reckon we'll be discussing Hick Flicks and other things cinematical. The show is scheduled for 10 am Central, but should be archived shortly thereafter if you want to listen to me make a jackass of myself at your leisure.

2007-08-14T19:45:00.000-05:00

I've been on vacation, from Chicago to Boston to Maine and back, so catching up:

Hot Rod

Bratz: The Movie

Vitus

2007-07-20T08:29:00.001-05:00

Goya's Ghosts

2007-07-06T08:44:00.000-05:00

Eagle vs. Shark

And I see the text has now appeared in my License to Wed review linked below, so you are now free to enjoy that as well.

2007-07-05T10:25:00.001-05:00

Well, here is the link to my License to Wed review, although you may notice it seems a bit incomplete. Really, I wrote more than that, but what do you really need to know? Robin Williams, priest, funny voices, Viagra jokes, shooting chest pains.

2007-06-27T12:48:00.000-05:00

I should have known no good could come of this blog-tagging business, as I have now been tagged by Big Red Blog. The concept seems to be “8 Things You Don’t Know About Me.”

8. I have been to all of the lower 48 states except Florida. There is no good reason for this. I don’t have any sort of Florida vendetta. I would like to see the Everglades and rassle a gator. I’d like to swim with dolphins and go to Disney World and run afoul of the Miami vice. Just haven’t done it.

7. In the sixth grade spelling bee, I purposely misspelled ‘prairie’ because I badly had to urinate. If only I’d taken care of business beforehand, I really think I had a shot at winning that thing.

6. My grandfather on my mother’s side was a magician and he was at the battle of Iwo Jima. But not at the same time.

5. As a child, I wrote and drew my own comic books. I like to think my writing has improved since then, but I fear my drawing has not. One of my comic books was Bat-Pink. Bat-Pink was the Pink Panther in a Batman costume. He had adventures. I also did a comic book sequel to Jaws set in an underwater city of the future. I don’t have it anymore, but I’m fairly certain it was better than at least two of the actual Jaws sequels.

4. According to the Oracle of Bacon, I am three degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon. This can be done two ways: I was in Apocalypse Bop with Jenni Pulos, who was in Hairshirt with Neve Campbell, who was in Wild Things with Kevin Bacon. Also, I was in What I Like About You with Brent Mitchell, who was in Miss Congeniality with Sandra Bullock, who was in Loverboy with Kevin Bacon.

3. I once walked down the Vegas strip with my pants around my ankles. But I did it for art.

2. I never had an egg cream.

1. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Since most of those I tagged last time never responded, I’m just gonna tag ‘em again. Except substitute Last Visible Blog for Big Red Blog.

2007-06-22T08:11:00.001-05:00

1408

2007-06-14T14:33:00.001-05:00

Hollywood Dreams

2007-06-13T13:56:00.000-05:00

Perhaps you'd prefer this ending?

2007-06-12T14:24:00.000-05:00

I have been issued a blogochallenge! Last Visible Dog proprietor John “Buttermilk” Mitchell has tagged me with this musical meme. Very well, I agree that the instructions are vague, but I will do my best. Having consulted the specified website for the year I turned 18 (1985), I can only despair. I sometimes feel I’m becoming more nostalgic for the music of my youth, but looking at that list, I can’t see how. Nevertheless, I will force myself to purge a few memories.

71. We Are The World - USA for Africa. Wow, this really says it all. Remember the day every radio station in America played this song simultaneously and we all cured world hunger together? They actually stopped class at my high school so we could sit there at our desks and listen to the loudspeakers play this song we heard 47 times a day anyway. Not that I’m complaining, really. I believe I was in Mr. Monroe’s history class. He was having none of it.

68. Can't Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon. I remember my friend Rodney changing the chorus to “I can’t raise this walrus anymore.” I don’t know what inspired that. I know there were more words – something about “flopping on the floor” I think – but alas, they are lost in the mists of time. The song did become slightly more bearable with his changes, which made it a tiny bit easier to resist the urge to puncture my eardrum with a sharpened pencil.

65. One Night In Bangkok - Murray Head. Okay, I admit it, I had a 12-inch single of this. And now it’s stuck in my head, which is nice, as it’s dislodged “Don’t Stop Believin’”, which has been stuck there since The Sopranos ended Sunday night. Maybe I’ll download it from iTunes.

57. (Don't You) Forget About Me - Simple Minds. I guess this should be the anthem of anyone my age, and yeah, it has a certain cheesy majesty, but honestly I just never cared for The Breakfast Club. Yes, it’s time for my generational card to be revoked.

32. Dancing In The Street - Mick Jagger & David Bowie. Okay, this one is memorable due to the elaborately choreographed handshake my friend Dan and I worked out, which incorporated elements of this video (Dan did the Bowie, I did the Jagger), dialogue from Three’s Company, and various other grunts and jigs. (Manny Ramirez has nothing on us.) I just wish a record existed of the whole thing. Or maybe I don’t.

17. I Want To Know What Love Is – Foreigner. I remember Rolling Stone declaring this one of the 50 or 100 or 500 greatest songs ever. I’m not sure which, but it doesn’t matter. That’s when I realized I didn’t need to read Rolling Stone anymore.

1. We Built This City - Jefferson Starship. Yep. These were my glory days, people. Why, I’m so glad I decided to do this.

Anyway, I guess I’m supposed to tag five other blogs now. I’ll go with The Phil Nugent Experience, From Here to Obscurity, The Ol’ Bait Shop, Skullbucket and Big Red Blog. Participate…if you dare!

2007-06-11T15:39:00.000-05:00

Made in America

Not many of my Sopranos finale predictions came true, but one did for sure: that the final episode would piss off a whole mess of people. There was always a very good chance that the show would end on a “life goes on” note, but that seemed to be out the window after the events of last week’s “The Blue Comet.” Tony’s crew was decimated, his family squirreled away, and the man himself was left clutching an assault rifle on a bare mattress in a Mafia safe house. Surely the end was near.

“Made in America” opened with a literal visualization of the opening lines of the famous theme song. Tony woke up this morning (although the framing of the shot initially suggests he may be dead) and got himself a gun (that same rifle, a gift from Bobby Bacala in the season opener). But as he has always done, writer David Chase (also directing for the first time since the pilot) short-circuited the New York/New Jersey mob war in a few quick strokes. That was never going to be the endgame anyway. So T gets a tip from his FBI pal Agent Harris, brokers a deal with Phil Leotardo’s evil dwarf henchman (who proves to be more pragmatic than we would have guessed), and has Phil whacked at a Long Island gas station. (One last gift for the whack-happy as Phil’s head is crushed under the tire of his SUV while his grandchildren giggle in the back seat.)

It’s as if last week’s explosive episode “The Blue Comet” was a trade-off of sorts, like Chase telling a segment of the fan base, “Okay, here’s your bloodbath, but next week we’re doing things my way.” Thus in the finale, Tony’s lawyer Mink bangs on his ketchup bottle in vain; no more red stuff will come out.

Instead, a series of curtain calls, with Tony spending a little time with each of the surviving characters. Silvio remains in a coma (perhaps trapped at his own Costa Mesa sales convention); Janice is looking for her next meal ticket; Paulie reluctantly accepts a promotion, knowing it’s a high-turnover kind of job. One haunting moment: Tony and Paulie sitting alone outside Satriale’s, everyone else gone. Another: Tony’s visit with Uncle Junior, toothless, lost in dementia, in a decrepit state hospital. “You and my father, you used to run North Jersey.” “We did? That’s nice.” It’s all gone and forgotten now and it never meant much anyway.

Which, judging from these internets, is how a lot of people saw the series’ final few minutes. You can almost hear Livia’s trademark “It’s all a big nothing!” whistling through the blogosphere, with all the accusations that Chase just flipped us the bird. But for me, that last scene delivered one last time on what the show has always done best: that sense of queasy, mounting dread – impending doom wrapped around the utterly mundane. Tony enters a diner, takes a seat in a booth and fiddles with the tabletop jukebox. So often The Sopranos has selected just the right (often obscure) song to close out an episode, but now we’re in Tony’s hands. He flips past a number of selections, some of which may have been used on the show before (I noticed “This Magic Moment,” for one), then settles on the cheesiest possible power ballad, “Don’t Stop Believin’.” One by one, the family members arrive, but our attention is drawn to other corners of the diner. The man at the counter. The guy in the hat. The two black kids. Meadow is outside, having trouble parking her car. Tony order onion rings. AJ recalls Tony’s words from the first season finale – to remember the times that were good. Meadow finally parks and runs across the street, nearly getting hit by a car, just like in the third season finale. The guy at the counter heads toward Tony, then into the bathroom. Is he getting himself a gun? The over-the-top melodrama of the song only heightens the tension. The bell on the front door rings. Tony looks up. Abrupt cut to black.

So call it the lady or the tiger, or Schrodinger’s Cat (maybe that was him who kept eyeing Christopher’s picture), but while it may not be enough resolution for many, it’s not quite the life-goes-on ending either. Carlo has flipped, indictments are looming, and Tony has told us over and over he’s going to end up dead or in the can. Some speculate that Tony did die at the table, that the cut to black was his loss of consciousness as a bullet pierced his brain. I don’t really buy into that, but it’s a possibility. Maybe he got whacked. Maybe he just ate another onion ring. The point is the ongoing paranoia, the possible threat behind every door. Whether he lives one more second or forty more years, that will never go away. And we’ll never know. Bada bing.

2007-06-08T11:34:00.000-05:00

OK, I managed to get the list down to 10, but that’s as far as I go. Taking a cue from What’s Alan Watching, I’ve listed the episodes chronologically rather than tortuously arranging them into some hierarchy of awesomeness. You may say I’m copping out, sir or madam, and you may be right, but I’ve tried moving these titles around and around and it always ends up feeling a little arbitrary. With a gun to my head (bada bing!), 99 times out of 100 I would say “Knight in White Satin Armor” is my all-time favorite. Beyond that, there are some hairs I cannot split.

I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano As far as anyone knew at the time, the final season one episode could have been the end of the series – and although I’m certainly glad it wasn’t, it would have worked. Tony learns that the forces plotting against him are his Uncle Junior and his own mother, the monstrous Livia. There are big fireworks – whackings, near-matricide – but it all ends on a perfectly-pitched grace note, with Tony toasting his family at Vesuvio while a storm rages outside.

The Knight in White Satin Armor The second season’s main threat to Tony’s power, disgruntled goon Richie Aprile (he of the “Manson lamps”), tried to recruit members of the crew for a coup against the boss. Tony got wind of the plan and put out a hit on Aprile, and for a moment we might have even felt sorry for Richie’s fiancée Janice. That is, until Janice – a Soprano through and through – terminated her engagement in the most extreme possible way. Still the series’ most successful blend of free-floating menace and pitch-black comedy, and the aftermath of Richie’s demise may be the richest ten minutes in television history: Christopher and Furio disposing of the remains at the pork store (“It’s gonna be a while before I eat at Satriale’s”), Livia laughing as Tony trips and falls down the front steps, Tony’s farewell to Janice (“We buried him on a hill, overlooking a little river, pinecones all around”), and finally T alone on the couch as Annie Lennox sings “Hey, hey, I saved the world today.”

Funhouse Not since the heyday of Twin Peaks has a series been so adept at mixing the surreal with the mundane, and the second-season closer is a prime example. Tony is bedridden with food poisoning, and we are spared no sounds of gastric distress or mad dashes to the throne. While tossing and turning, T has a series of dreams that ultimately reveal – via a talking fish – that Big Pussy is snitching to the Feds. (Creator David Chase has said that he wanted to steer clear of the usual TV procedural in having Tony come to this conclusion, and he sure did that.) Ultimately Pussy sleeps with the fishes, and the final haunting montage set to the Rolling Stones’ “Thru and Thru” details the human wreckage behind the Sopranos’ comfortable existence.

Pine Barrens The casual viewer’s favorite, “the one where Paulie and Christopher get lost in the woods.” High-concept at its best, as these suburban Joisey tough guys are forced to survive in the wild on berries and packets of ketchup. (“Mix it with the relish.”) Probably the single funniest episode, from Bacala’s Elmer Fudd get-up to the confusion caused by faulty cell phone transmissions. (“Guy killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. He was an interior decorator!” “His house looked like shit.”) I was tempted to penalize the episode because of the endlessly tiresome fan speculation about the fate of the mythical Russian, but that’s not the show’s fault.

Whoever Did This Suspecting that Ralphie is responsible for the fire that killed his beloved racehorse, Tony shows up at his house and ends up beating him to death in perhaps the most brilliantly staged fight in the show’s history. That only takes us to the halfway point of the episode, at which point Tony summons a drug-addled Christopher to help him dispose of the body and a harrowing and hilarious night odyssey begins. Tony lectures Christopher on his drug use even as they dismember Ralph, put his head in a bowling bag and use a backhoe to bury it in frozen ground. The final image of Tony swallowed by light as he emerges from the Bing is one of the show’s great fadeouts.

Whitecaps The underwhelming fourth season concluded with a bang, but it wasn’t a mob hit this time; rather, it was the marriage of Tony and Carmela that got whacked. The brutality was confined to words (aside from one poor wall punched by Tony), but these marital squabbles were more like ten-round prize fights. Edie Falco gives an Emmy, Golden Globe and Nobel Prize-worthy performance, and Gandolfini isn’t bad either. Another great fadeout: Tony’s boat just offshore, blasting live Dean Martin at neighbor-turned-nemesis Alan Sapinsly.

The Test Dream One of the series’ most divisive episodes finds Tony in retreat at New York’s Plaza Hotel. The Kubrickian hotel scenes give way to the most extended dream sequence in the show’s history, a tour-de-force phantasmagoria through every nook and cranny of the Soprano psyche. Tony takes a ride with the departed, has dinner with Annette Bening and a “Three Times a Lady”-crooning John Heard, foresees a murder and ends up in his old high school gym, where Coach Molinaro imparts the wisdom that still resonates over the final episodes: “You’re not prepared, Soprano! You’ll never shut me up!” (Great title, too. I still have the freakin’ test dream.)

Long-Term Parking Speaking of great titles, “long-term parking” rivals “sleeps with the fishes” as a term for the fate of a Mob rat. In this case, the “rat” was an innocent (or as close as The Sopranos gets) – Adriana, ensnared by the FBI, “on a last-chance power drive.” (See my High Hat eulogy for more.)

Walk Like a Man This was a toss-up; I originally had “Kennedy and Heidi” – the episode where Christopher meets his pathetic doom – slotted here. But in the end, I decided to go with the previous episode and the last great turn by Michael Imperioli. Christopher learns the hard way that the clean and sober lifestyle does not go hand in hand with Mob success. With no one else to turn to, Christopher spills his guts to former AA buddy (and Cleaver screenwriter) J.T. Dolan. “I don’t want to hear this stuff,” J.T. says. He’s right.

The Second Coming Apocalyptic imagery abounds and the center cannot hold as the series spirals down toward its conclusion. AJ’s attempt to kill himself in the Soprano family pool is as botched as anything else he’s ever done, yet Tony cradling him in his arms afterward is perhaps the show’s most emotionally overpowering moment. An insult to Meadow leads to one of the most horrific moments of violence (which is saying something). And an unseen Phil Leotardo taunting Tony from his attic is as funny as it is chilling – portending the carnage to follow.

Only one episode remains. I’m in denial.

2007-06-08T08:24:00.000-05:00

Surf's Up

2007-06-07T11:33:00.000-05:00

Amazingly enough, I’m not the only one doing the Top 10 thing this week; What’s Alan Watching has already beat me to the punch and I’m sure there are more on the way. I’ve scratched out my final roster, so here are five honorable mentions to episodes that just missed the cut.

College Next to “Pine Barrens,” this is probably the episode most often cited as a favorite among cast members and fans alike – and for similar reasons. The major storyline is self-contained, memorable and almost high concept: while taking his daughter on a tour of colleges in Maine, a mob boss spots a former associate now in witness protection. Tony must balance his family obligations (keeping Meadow on schedule and out of trouble) with his Family obligations (identifying and whacking the rat). The simplicity of the episode is striking when compared to later seasons (there’s also a B-plot about Carmela’s almost-romance with Father Phil), as is the way the characters interact with at least some degree of truthfulness. Meadow and Carmela are so deep in denial now, it’s refreshing to look back and see them confront the truth about Tony head-on – if only briefly.

D-Girl Long before Cleaver, Christopher took his first shot at Hollywood glory by chumming up to Jon Favreau and bedding his development executive Amy Safir (Alicia Witt, hot and terrifying in that soulless movie-biz way). Now maybe I’ve never been gut-shot or kneecapped with a baseball bat (note: I said maybe), but I have had my screenplays dissected by Hollywood weasels using terms like “inciting incident” and “picture arcs.” That could explain why this one hits home for me; that, and Janeane Garofolo’s immortal reading of the line “I never had an egg cream.”

Amour Fou Most Sopranos seasons climax in the episode before the finale, and this penultimate third season episode is no exception. Tony realizes his goomah Gloria Trillo is just a little unstable, while Jackie Jr. crashes a mob poker game with disastrous results. Another top-notch example of Tony’s personal and professional lives snowballing simultaneously, as all the season’s threads are gathered up and tightened to maximum tension.

Join the Club and Mayham I mentioned this in last year’s recap, but it’s hard to separate these two episodes, which immediately follow Tony’s shooting in the sixth season premiere. Comatose Tony finds himself in an alternate reality or purgatory of sorts where Tony Soprano is a legit salesman and nice guy on a business trip to Costa Mesa. While Tony’s real life is in chaos – in-fighting and power struggles among his mob crew, grief and anguish among family members – his dream-self is mistaken for a lookalike named Kevin Finnerty, a turn of events that gets him in trouble with a group of monks and leads him to an otherworldly family reunion hosted by his dead cousin. It’s a “What if?” scenario turned existential nightmare. For comic relief, Christopher and Little Carmine host their initial pitch meeting for Cleaver. (“It’s about a wiseguy with a big mouth and bigger dreams.”)

And then there are these treasured scenes from episodes that don’t quite make the desert island list: Christopher’s intervention from “The Strong, Silent Type”, Carmela’s session with straight-shooting shrink Dr. Krakower (“One thing you can never say – that you haven’t been told.”) from “Second Opinion”, Livia’s wake from “Proshai, Livia”, Silvio and Christopher’s Lynchian visit with the Atwell Avenue Boys in “The Weight”, the “executive game” with Frank Sinatra, Jr. from “The Happy Wanderer”, and the William Burroughs “Seven Souls” montage that opened the sixth season.

2007-06-05T14:09:00.000-05:00

I may have mentioned it a time or two hereabouts, but I sure do love that television programme The Sopranos, and right about now it feels like it’s ending way too quickly. (The final episode ever, “Made in America,” airs this Sunday night. There may be a small amount of media hype about this.) Having said that, it’s probably also true that the show went on too long. I’m not really talking about the endless waits between seasons – in the end, I think that worked to the series’ advantage in allowing the characters to age realistically (go back and take a look at plump little AJ Soprano in the pilot – or relatively svelte Tony, for that matter) and bonding fans closer to them through endless reruns and DVD releases plugging the gaps. Our associate John at Last Visible Blog oft extols the virtues of the British system – shorter seasons and fewer of them – and The Sopranos was something of a pioneer for that method in the U.S.

But still, with 86 episodes, you’re going to have some duds. For me, The Sopranos was at its most slack in the fourth season (lots of Carmela mooning over Furio, Bobby Bacala’s endless mourning subplot) and the second half of “season 6A” (lots of junkies nodding out, Vito’s endless adventures in Gay Hampshire). These are the episodes where David Chase and the creative team seem to be vamping, putting off significant developments just because everyone was having too much fun making the show. So herewith, I go negative and present my five least favorite episodes of The Sopranos.

5. From Where to Eternity This season two episode is a long-standing fan favorite, but for me it was the first episode where the tone felt completely off. It had a bit of a Twin Peaks season two vibe, as badly wounded Christopher explains his vision of Hell as an Irish bar and Paulie consults a psychic. It also featured an all-too-obvious therapy scene in which Tony explains that he and his crew are not bad people but solders, and one of the least compelling whackings (of Christopher’s assailant Matt Bevilaqua). Michael Imperioli’s first writing job for the show, and you can tell.

4. Luxury Lounge The sagging midpoint of the sixth season began with Christopher and Little Carmine traveling to Hollywood to try to recruit Ben Kingsley for their mob-slasher movie Cleaver. Worthwhile for the scene in which Christopher mugs Lauren Bacall for her gift basket and the shot of put-upon chef Artie consulting his old family recipe book and regaining some measure of dignity. The rest of it is all inside jokes and rehashed storylines.

3. Johnny Cakes Another one from the meandering middle of S6. See! Fat Vito the mob capo romance a small-town fry-cook! See! Tony’s thrilling negotiations to sell out to Jamba Juice! See! AJ act like a spoiled idiot! All choppily edited (AJ’s hair jumps in length for one scene that was clearly shot for an earlier episode) and lacking in tension, save for AJ’s botched ‘hit’ on Uncle Junior (which in retrospect foreshadows his later bungled suicide attempt). Filler at its fillerest.

2. Calling All Cars And speaking of filler…after a string of largely listless episodes, the tension should have been mounting in this episode from late in the fourth season. Paulie was seemingly on the verge of jumping ship to Johnny Sack’s crew, and the prospect of a mob war between New York and New Jersey loomed (not for the first or last time). Instead we spent much of this hour with sister Janice as she tries to badger Bobby Bacala out of moping about his dead wife’s ziti. The last few minutes, with Tony waking from a dream into a disorienting Miami morning, are worth keeping. The rest should be dumped with Karen’s ziti.

1. Christopher The Christopher of the title is Columbus in this case, although this is another Imperioli script that should have stayed in the drawer. It’s actually more of a term paper, with the characters debating Italian cultural heritage, media images and the sanctity of the Columbus holiday. This episode also kicks off the whole “Bobby in mourning” storyline I’ve already bitched about. Just another hour of television.

Awright, enough with the negativity. Next up will be the honorable mentions that didn’t quite make the Top 10 final cut.

2007-06-04T12:59:00.001-05:00

It's Sopranos week here on Moonshine Mountain! The countdown to the final episode is on, so join me here as I recap the 5 worst and 10 (or 12 or 15, I haven't decided) best episodes in preparation for Sunday's big night. And maybe some other stuff, too. But nothing now. I'm busy. Go away.