Well, I seen that there Fahrenheit 9/11 this morning and hereby courageously give it a mixed review. I wasn't too impressed with the first part, which sketches (that's the right word, I think) the relationship between the Bushes, the Saudis and the bin Laden family. It played too much like a cable access documentary of the Alex Jones variety, and I was never clear on how far Moore meant to take all the conspiracy innuendo. (A montage of photos of the Bushes with various men in Arab garb made me a bit queasy. A little racial profiling, there, Mikey?)

The Iraq stuff is more solid because, well, Bush and co. have given themselves more than enough rope so Moore can just let them hang themselves. But of course he can't really do that, cuz he's Michael Moore, so even though it's true that he's offscreen a lot more than in his previous movies, there's still plenty of narration in that hangdog style of baby talk he favors that drives me bugfuck.

As with Bowling for Columbine, the best stuff is the found footage, plenty of which I had not seen before (though I may have blinked when the controversial beheading was onscreen, or it may be gone - in any case, I didn't see it, though there's certainly no shortage of gruesome video from the front lines). He also spends a lot of borderline exploitative but nonetheless moving time with a woman from (where else) Flint, Michigan whose son was killed in Iraq. And except for one mercifully brief bit where he tries to get congressmen to sign their children up for battle, there's little of his Punk'd shenanigans.

So yeah. It's a confused movie. Worth seeing, I think, but I dunno if you want to battle the first weekend crowds even if MoveOn.org wants you to.

Best Buy rants seem to be all the rage these days, so I thought I’d chime in with my own (still in progress). Last weekend I had a CD player installed in my car at the local Best Buy. A day or two later while tooling around town, I tried to use my air conditioner. Nothing happened. Now, my a/c doesn’t exactly refrigerate the car even under the best conditions (which are at night; during the day the greenhouse effect pretty much cancels it out), but I still need the damn a/c, if only for its defogging capabilities. I brought it back on Saturday, and the guy who had installed it gave me the runaround for a few minutes. First he claimed that he had tried the a/c after installation and it worked, but that dog wasn’t gonna hunt. Then he tried to put me off for a few hours, saying other cars were ahead of me in line. Well, that was reasonable on the day I had it installed (I killed the time next door at the multiplex watching Troy) but since this new problem was their fault, I didn’t see any reason I should have to wait again (this time I would have been stuck with Dodgeball).

So the guy went to work on it and eventually figured out that the switch was broken, something that presumably happened while he was taking the dashboard apart or putting it back together. He tried to jerry-rig it with some new springs, but that didn’t work. So he said he’d order a switch and then come in on his day off to fix it. (Hey, nice try with the guilt trip, but I’m the one driving around in the Texas heat with no a/c, dude.)

Then, driving around yesterday, I realized the radio now doesn’t work. So I dunno, I guess this guy disconnected the antenna or something while not fixing my air conditioner. It’s becoming a bigger pain in the ass by the minute. Anyway, I gave the guy two days to call me, which he hasn’t done. So I just called and left him a message. Stay tuned for further developments.

Hick Flicks mania is sweeping the nation! And by "sweeping the nation," I of course mean that one or two people have heard of it now. Here's a mention of it at reason.com's Hit and Run blog. (Scroll down to "The 4000 Errors of Doctor Who." Yes, my publisher is also releasing a comprehensive guide to Dr. Who bloopers. There goes my next book idea down the tubes!)

The 24th Day

Yeah, I know. All I've done this week is post links. I'm, um, recharging my batteries! Yeah, that's what I'm doing. It's certainly not laziness or anything of the sort. Perish the thought!

Well, it's about time! One of my favorite films is finally coming to DVD.

Here's my Film Threat piece on the Slacker 10 Year Reunion.

Around the World in 80 Days

Saved!

(If the Star-Telegram site tries to make you register before you can read these reviews, don't forget about your good friend Bug Me Not.)

Garfield

(supply your own kitty litter joke)

Yeah, I'm late with the promised season five wrap-up, but what with the round-the-clock Ronald Reagan tributes, I can't seem to tear myself away from the cable news channels long enough to finish it. But I'll have it up by the end of the week. Meanwhile:


You are BARTON FINK! A sensitive soul who wants to
create a new living theatre for the common man,
you are forever distracted by peeling
wallpaper, beautiful women and decapitations.
The life of the mind...it isn't easy.


What Coen Brothers character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm always the last to know. Looks like my book is due out in the fall:

HICK FLICKS

Top 10 Sopranos Episodes

I was going to post this a couple days ago, but kept wanting to make it better. Well, I never managed to do that, so I’m just gonna post it anyway. I limited myself to the first four seasons because I’ll need some distance from the current one before I can rate the episodes accurately. (Hey, this stuff is important.) So on Monday I’ll list the top five for the fifth season, along with any finale thoughts. And then no more Sopranos for at least a year and a half.

10. College This one is almost too obvious, but I think it has to make the list. It’s probably the most successful self-contained episode – one that works as a mini-movie even if you haven’t seen the show before. Mob boss takes his daughter on a tour of colleges in Maine, spots rat, must whack rat while still balancing fatherly duties. Meanwhile, his wife is back home in New Jersey getting a little too friendly with the priest. The Sopranos universe has gotten so populous these days that “College,” which gets by with four or five characters, looks almost quaint. Still, Tony catching up to the rat is probably the moment that hooked most of us for good.



9. University The logical follow-up, I suppose. (I’m still waiting for the episode “Grad School.”) Perhaps the most unrelentingly bleak and nasty episode, this one highlights the short, miserable life and untimely death of Bada Bing stripper Tracee. The first big showcase for violent creep Ralph Cifaretto, “University” also provides a more refined grade of brutality in its depiction of Meadow’s unbearably smug boyfriend Noah.

8. Commendatori Or “the one where they go to Italy.” I’ve read that David Chase was unhappy with the way this one turned out, but I think this is one of the great culture clash episodes, as our macaroni-and-gravy gangsters find themselves out of their element on the boot. Featuring Paulie’s immortal announcement, “I’m gonna hoof it back to the Excelsior. I gotta take a wicked shit.”

7. Whoever Did This After a slam-bang start, the fourth season hit a lull with a series of episodes padded with too much information about the relationships of secondary characters (the infamous “Karen’s ziti” stuff between Janice and Bobby, Ralphie’s bizarre proclivities, Furio and Carmela making googly eyes). That made the ninth episode, in which Ralph loses his head for the last time, all the more jolting. Beyond the gruesome procedural details of body disposal, there’s the bizarre, unsettling yet funny one-act play between Tony and Christopher that takes up the second half of the show. Plus Uncle Jun pretending (or not) to be crazy.

6. Isabella Tony rouses himself out of the depths of depression as only he can – by taking out the hit men hired by Uncle Junior to finish him off. The attempted hit at the newsstand is the centerpiece, but Tony’s medication-induced hallucinations of the Italian exchange student next door gave us our first extended tour of his psyche.

5. D-Girl Another great clash of cultures, when the Jersey mobsters meet their match in the form of Hollywood sharks. I’ve never been shaken down by goombahs, but I’ve met my share of Amy Safirs and this episode nails that type to the wall. And I dunno, there’s something deeply satisfying about seeing Christopher terrorize Jon Favreau. This was also probably the last time I was happy to see my former future ex-wife Janeane Garofalo on my television. “I never had an egg cream.”



4. Pine Barrens Everybody’s favorite fable of mobsters lost in the woods. The episode that launched a million “Whatever happened to the Russian?” jokes. But don’t forget, this one also features the first big Gloria Trillo meltdown, where she bounces a London Broil off the back of Tony’s head and lives to tell about it. For a while anyway.

3. Funhouse This season’s dream episode apparently pissed off a lot of viewers, but where were they when the second season finale aired? A bout of food poisoning sends Tony deep into his subconscious, where a talking fish tells him what he’s known all along – Big Pussy is a rat. Chock full of good stuff: the whacking of Pussy (pardon my French), Artie’s discourse on Indian cooking, realistic fart noises, and a killer closing montage that neatly sums up the relationship between family business and Family business.

2. Whitecaps Edie Falco won every award short of the Nobel Prize for her performance in this one, and I still think she was shortchanged. The emotionally overpowering fights between Tony and Carmela make this one a classic, but “Whitecaps” also set up the Johnny Sack feud and gave Tony a worthy adversary in slimy attorney Alan Sapinsly, who receives his comeuppance in surprising, hilarious fashion.

1. The Knight in White Satin Armor Everyone knew Richie Aprile had to go, but he – and we – never saw it coming until it was too late. The perfect blend of noose-tightening suspense and pitch-black comedy. As Bobby Bacala says, “I’m in awr of you.”

Scene From an Unproduced Screenplay
or
Momentarily Amusing Thing I Found While Looking For Something Else

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

Richie tears up his lottery ticket and throws the pieces in the air.

Stan enters, looking downcast.

STAN
Hey.

RICHIE
Hey. What did the lawyer say?

STAN
He won't take the case. He said he found me to be "an exceedingly crapulent individual."

RICHIE
He found you to be crapulent? Is that even a word?

STAN
I don't know.

RICHIE
I'll look it up.

Richie picks up a dictionary and begins thumbing through it.

STAN
Whatever it is, it can't be good. This is a lawyer talking. And I was going to pay him. Imagine what people I don't pay must think of me.

Richie finds a dictionary entry.

RICHIE
There's "crapulous." Meaning to be sick from excess consumption of alcohol. Were you hungover? Maybe he said "crapulous."

STAN
Oh, what's the difference? I'm going to jail for a hundred years and we're both going to be dead by the end of the week.

RICHIE
I wish you wouldn't say things like that. It makes me feel all crapulous.

STAN
Okay. Don't panic. We're not finished yet. There's got to be a way...

Stan starts pacing, rubbing his chin, deep in thought. Richie watches him warily.

STAN
(snaps his fingers)
Wait a second! I've got it!

RICHIE
What?

STAN
The Joker's Hideout!

RICHIE
What about it?

STAN
It's a bar, right?

RICHIE
Yes. It's a bar.

STAN
They sell beer there, right?

RICHIE
Yes they do.

STAN
So what we do is, we go there and drink beer.

RICHIE
Yes...?

STAN
And then we'll be drunk!

RICHIE
Mmm. This is your plan?

STAN
This is my plan.

RICHIE
(nods)
You realize, of course, that your genius won't be appreciated until years after your death.

STAN
Yeah, that's the sad part. Come on, let's go.

So wait, you’re telling me it’s June already? How did that happen? Five months worth of 2004 already down the tubes. I hope I’m never asked to account for it all in a court of law or before the throne of judgment or anything. What can I say? There have been some successes and some failures. Some times to remember and some I’d like to forget. I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. I’ve never been to heaven but I’ve been to Oklahoma. In summary, 2004 thus far: I shrug at thee.

I think I need a new project. And I still haven’t figured out what to do with this place. The Sopranos stuff seems to be getting a lot of hits, so I’ll probably go Mobster Mountain for the next few days leading up to the finale. After that, I dunno. Maybe I’ll become a really angry and factually-challenged columnist with no discernable political viewpoint. I’ll attract a rabid following of people who can’t make up their minds what they think about anything but just know they’re really, really angry. Then I’ll solicit donations from them.

Either that or just post more pictures of my dog.

A couple new reviews this week. Hector Babenco's latest prison movie is worth a look:

Carandiru

(Please note that I did not actually give this movie an A+. This is apparently a copy editing error, as I gave it an A-. I've never given an A+ in my life! When I do, you'll know about it!)

I can't say the same for this next one, the makers of which should be exiled to Abu Ghraib immediately:

Soul Plane

As you know, the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy movie is now in production. But did you know there is a new radio series as well? The third series has already been recorded, with surviving members of the original cast, but is apparently in limbo for now. More info here.

Recommended Reading

Yeah, sometimes I read books. Especially now that I’m finished writing mine. Here’s a couple good ones.



What I don’t know about baseball would fill Fenway Park, and yet I couldn’t put Michael Lewis’s best seller down. For one thing, the guy can write, which is always a nice thing when you’re dealing with a book. For another, my long-dormant interest in the sport was re-awakened last fall when I foolishly got sucked into watching the post-season Red Sox, and I’ve been following them pretty closely this year (which will no doubt be rewarded with inevitable crushing disappointment).

My understanding is that most of the baseball establishment hates this book, what with its unabashed enthusiasm for these newfangled statistics suggesting that getting on base and not getting outs are the most important factors toward achieving a win. See, to an ignoramus like me, this seems like common sense, but I guess on some level it makes the game less fun for some folks, since the teams that subscribe to the Moneyball approach discourage stuff like bunting, sacrifice flies and stealing bases. (The old school philosophy is to regard these things as “productive outs” if they result in players advancing the bases or scoring. The new school says they’re not worth the trouble. At least, that’s my feeble understanding.)

Anyway, whether you agree or disagree or don’t even care, Moneyball is a great read, with plenty of fascinating digressions into the cult-like world of hardcore statistics freaks and an account of the major league draft that’s as suspenseful as a book by that really good suspense writer whose name eludes me at the moment.



I’m in the middle of this one now. I’m a big fan of the Altman film, so this is kind of a schizoid reading experience for me, as Philip Marlowe keeps bouncing back and forth between being a Bogart tough guy and more of an Elliot Gould schlub. In my mind, if not actually on the paper. Some evocative writing on 50’s L.A. here, though.

Next up, Tony Soprano’s homework:

I don’t mean to turn this blog into all-Sopranos all the time (Mobster Mountain?), but if they’re gonna keep churning out amazing episodes, whuddamigonnnado? Besides, the season’s just about over and then they’ll go back into cold storage for who knows how long, so might as well write about ‘em now.

First things first – yes, Adriana is dead. I know it happened offscreen, but the Russian didn’t drop out of a tree and rescue her and the bear didn’t jump Silvio and let her escape. This isn’t freakin’ Oz here. They spared us seeing the bullets hit her because we’d already seen enough. When Christopher was choking her, there was a moment when I thought she was dead already – she had the same vacant look in her eyes as Joey Pants did last season when Tony got a little upset about his horse.

Leading up to the most recent episode, “Long-Term Parking” (brilliant title, by the way – a 21st century variation on “The Big Sleep”), I thought I had it figured - Christopher was about to flip to the FBI. And for a minute or two, it actually looked like that might happen, but then Chase and co. sucker-punched me again. And how great was it that they had the normally warm-n-fuzzy Silvio do the deed, especially after Christopher’s crack early in the episode: “the highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last-chance power drive”? Quoting Springsteen in front of Stevie Van Zandt might have seemed like a cute in-joke at first, but by the end – with Silvio driving Adriana to her doom - it had taken on a grim meaning, especially when you think of the next line in “Born to Run”: “everybody’s out on the run tonight but there’s no place left to hide.”

Anyway, mail those Emmys to Michael Imperioli and Drea de Matteo now and be done with it. What, someone on The West Wing has done better acting than that? Come on. As for predictions for the season finale on June 6, well, I’m obviously no Quasimodo when it comes to this show. I would’ve thought a Tony B. whacking was a lock, but with Tony telling Johnny Sack where to stick it, you never can tell. We’re into anything-can-happen territory now, with supposedly only 10 episodes left after this season (though I still think the final season will balloon up to a full 13, since Chase always seems to need more episodes than he thinks he will).

Top 10 Things Never Before Said on ‘The Sopranos’